Spaced Invaders: Act 4

[cut to Sheriff Oxley's place, VFW sitting on steps 1:06]

Sheriff Oxley: [gives cup to Mr Wrenchmuller] Here you go. [pats him on shoulder, goes back inside] It'll be alright.
Kathy: What are we going to do?
Sheriff Oxley: You're going to go to bed?
Kathy: But what are you going to do?
Sheriff Oxley: I don't know, call the airforce I guess.
Kathy: But you can't do that, the airforce hates Martians, they'll shoot them and drop nuclear bombs on them and stuff.
Sheriff Oxley: I don't know about nuclear bombs but their certainly deserve whatever they get, now come on.

Kathy: But Dad, they're not really bad, they're just stupid. And they haven't really hurt anybody and, if we help them get away, no one will ever know the difference.
Sheriff Oxley: Look honey, I'm supposed to be the sheriff in this town, if I don't get some help to control this thing, and it gets any more out of hand, it's going to be my fault. I may as well just throw away this badge.
Kathy: That's all you care about, your stupid badge. If you want to be such a big important sheriff, why don't you do things yourself. At least they have a chance with you. [leaves upstairs]

[Sheriff Oxley goes into kitchen, where he finds Verndroid playing with magnets, which actually stick to his head, Verndroid smiles]

[cut to field, where the aliens are camped]

Lieutenant Giggywig: What are we going to do now?
Corporal Pez: Looks like we'll going to have to apply for citizenship.
Captain Bipto: If only we could have connected up with the invasion force, it could have been glorious.
Blaznee: If we ever get out of here, remind me, I've got a real funny story to tell ya.
Doctor Ziplock: We're doomed to spend the rest of our lives breathing 75% nitrogen.

Blaznee: [singing to the tune of "Home on the Range"]; Oh give me a home, where the asteroids roam,
Aliens: [joining in]; And the bleebs and the buzzybugs play,; [coyote howls]; Where gravity's low, and the water is snow,; And the desert winds blow you away.; [coyote howls]; Mars, Mars is my home,; Where everyone's short just like me,; I wish I was there, where there is not such much air,; And two moons to shine down upon me.; [everyone sighs]

[cut to Kathy in bed, awake, Scout in a Can arrives]

Kathy: Hey, what are you doing here?

[cut to Blaznee, lying on back, clicking heels together]

Blaznee: There's no place like home. [click click click] There's no place like home. [click click click] There's no place like home. [click click click] [SIAC arrives] Hey shortstuff, welcome back, we're trying to figure out how to get outta here. Got any bright ideas? [Scout in a Can displays picture of Kathy and a map] Well bless your little batteries.

[cut to Sheriff Oxley's kitchen, Verndroid is playing with the blender, blending a banana]

Sheriff Oxley: [into phone] A number for the Strategic Air Command please.
Operator: What extension please?
Sheriff Oxley: Do you have a listing for reporting unusual phenomena?
Operator: [condescendingly] A UFO?
Sheriff Oxley: Yeah, that'll do.
Operator: I'm sorry sir, there's no such listing. I do however have an almost unlimited number of listings of psychiatrists.
Sheriff Oxley: Wait a minute lady, I don't need to hear this. [looks out window, see sheet rope hanging down] Oh no. [hangs up phone, rushes out of house]
Sheriff Oxley: Kathy! Kathy! Kathy!

[at the co-op]

Kathy: You numb-heads, it was just an old radio show.
Brian: I finally figured out why you're here. You were sent here to ruin my Halloween, weren't you?
Captain Bipto: [into transmitter] Captain Bipto to Verndroid, come in please, Captain Bipto to Verndroid, ...
Verndroid: [stick back at Sheriff Oxley's house] Yes Captain Bipto!
Captain Bipto: Remember that little surprise we were working on. Well the time has come to unleash the terror! [maniacal laughter]
Verndroid: Would you like the conveyance equipped with nuclear warheads or partical beam weapons.

[back at co-op]

Captain Bipto: Hey whatever, be creative, we'll meet you there.
Lieutenant Giggywig: Well?
Kathy: Let's do it.

[ship has a spaz]

Blaznee: [looks at madly beeping device] Argh!
Captain Bipto: What's wrong?
Blaznee: The hyperfusion feedback governor, back on the ship, just had a meltdown. If we don't get back to zero gravity within the next, ohh, hour, the ships hyperdrive will implode, creating an ever expanding hole in the space-time continuum, making you, me, and the rest of this galaxy, some other universe's problem. [turns to Doctor Ziplock] Right? ???
Doctor Ziplock: Close enough.

[cut to Verndroid arriving at gas station, Mr Wrenchmuller hitching on back of pickup, Verndroid starts welding with his eyes]

Lieutenant Giggywig: We look stupid, don't we?
Corporal Pez: Just keep your head down, maybe no one will see us.
Doctor Ziplock: I don't see why I have to pedal this thing.
Brian: Hey pal, nobody rides for free.
Doctor Ziplock: What's he doing in there?

[cuts to Sheriff Oxley and Deputy Russell near the ship, discussing matters, Kathy and Blaznee sneak by]

Kathy: It's my Dad! [they duck]
Blaznee: Did he spot us?
Kathy: I don't think so.

[cut to inside ship, hatch opening, Scout in a Can crawling in]

Mr Klembecker: [in background] Get out of the way, shotgun coming through. Doh! We need more ammo.

[cut to Mr Klembecker and Townperson 4 (clown, same guy as "it's paint") at back of Mr Klembecker's truck]

Mrs Vanderspool: [runs up] Get him? Did you get him?
Mr Klembecker: Almost, we almost got him!
Townperson 4: Mr Klembecker shot a bunny rabbit though.
Mr Klembecker: Shut up!
Townperson 4: It was charging.
Sheriff Oxley: Let's just stay cool here, OK, I don't want anybody to get hurt.

[cut to Kathy and Blaznee]

Kathy: We're trapped, what are we going to do?
Blaznee: [looks at device] Die horrible searing deaths in less than an hour.

[back to the gas station, aliens look on as Verndroid works]

Corporal Pez: Ah, can we help?
Verndroid: No no, I'm fine here. Just a little more ocular welding and it'll be all set.
Mr Wrenchmuller: Now what the heck is that!

Brian: It's a diversion. We're going to get their ship back. You better not try to stop us. Even if you get through me, you're still going to have to deal with him. [indicates Verndroid]
Mr Wrenchmuller: Relax kid, I've just come to help. I already got a whole bunch of pictures, and if I help them get away, I'll have the only ones. [chuckles]
Verndroid: Gentlemen, I present, the farmzoid.

[the farmzoid is a huge monstrous thing, 10 stories high, gasps of astonishment from the gathered creatures]

Brian: Now that's a diversion.

[cut to scene by ship, townspeople still planning to kill more rabbits]

Kathy: [hidden behind car, to Blaznee] We can't wait, we have to chance it. Argh! [Sheriff Oxley discovers them]
Sheriff Oxley: I thought I told you to go to bed.

Blaznee: That's it, take me to your secret government labs and cut me into wafer thin sections.
Kathy: Dad, all they want to do is go home. They know they've made a mistake and they're sorry, aren't you?
Blaznee: And getting sorrier by the minute.
Kathy: Oh yeah, and the ships going to blow up and destroy the earth is 15 minutes. Really Dad!
Blaznee: Hey, it's your planet.
Sheriff Oxley: OK, just for the sake of argument, how are you planning to get out of here anyway?

Blaznee: There's a few things I haven't tried yet. They're risky but better than death... probably.
Kathy: Oh and we worked really hard on creating this big diversion!
Sheriff Oxley: A diversion? What kind of a diversion?
Spanish Townperson: Hey, what the hell is that?
Kathy: Hmmm, [sheepishly] that diversion!
Sheriff Oxley: I got to admit, that's a diversion.

[snippet of farmzoid stalking across field]

Spanish Townperson: I don't care what the hell that thing is! [runs away]
Blaznee: Adios.
Verndroid: [in farmzoid cockpit] Hey Klembecker. Laugh now butthead.

[Kathy, Blaznee and Sheriff Oxley run into ship, which was opened by Scout in a Can]

Blaznee: I'll drive.
Sheriff Oxley: Hey!
Blaznee: [into transmitter] Mayday, mayday, ...
Sheriff Oxley: Look, you guys caused a lot of damage here, you're going to have to make restitution somehow. If you promise me that, then I'll help you.
Blaznee: How's this. Promise me that you can hit that blinking red light in the next 10 seconds, or else we're going to need help from a higher source.
Blaznee: Hang on!
Sheriff Oxley: Which red button?
Blaznee: That one. [Sheriff Oxley hits one] Not that one! [ship jumps another time]
Blaznee: Yeow!
Blaznee: Mayday, somebody answer me, mayday!

[Captain Bipto et al still at the gas station]

Captain Bipto: Captain Bipto, what's wrong?
Blaznee: Captain, we got problems, we're going to need a miracle just to get this baby off the ground, much less outer space.
Mr Wrenchmuller: Hey, can you tilt that contraption up on it's butt?
Doctor Ziplock: If the vertical orientation struts are still functioning.
Mr Wrenchmuller: Well I think I've got you covered. But we have to get back to the farm. Tell them to meet us there.
Captain Bipto: Right. [into transmitter] Meet at the Wrenchmuller farm, Bipto out.
Blaznee: [to Kathy] Hey, where do you guys grow your wrenchmullers?
Mr Wrenchmuller: [staring at key board] There must be something here we can use.
Brian: You can't just take a car!
Mr Wrenchmuller: [laughs] It's all right kid, I know this guy. [takes keys labelled "Mr Butthead"]

[car races out of garage doors]

[cut to farmzoid being shot at by townspeople]

Deputy Russell: Vern, you come down from there right now, you hear?
Verndroid: Yes, shoot my helpless friends, shoot, try everything you've got, the farmzoid is impervious. [laughs]
Deputy Russell: All right, that's it, Mom's going to hear about this!

[cut to ship, bouncing down a road]

Kathy: Make a left.
Blaznee: Left?
Kathy: Right! I mean yes!

[cut to farmzoid, townspeople fleeing]

Mr Klembecker: Come back you cowards. Come back here. It's just a big toy robot.
Verndroid: If I win, the whole tank wins, not just one guy.

[farmzoid drops a huge wheel on to Mr Klembecker's pickup]

Mr Klembecker: Arrrgggghhh!!!!
Verndroid: Hahahahahahahaaaa!!!

[cut to Mr Wrenchmuller driving car to the farm]

Lieutenant Giggywig: Just in case anybody's interested, we have 12 minutes until the end of the world.
Corporal Pez: Come on, put this puppy into hyperdrive.
Mr Wrenchmuller: Maybe I better take a short cut. [drives off road across field]
Brian: [screams] Listen, I'd like to live to see the end of the world, OK?

[cut to ship]

Kathy: There's the farm!
Blaznee: Oh geez!
Aliens: Whoah!

[ship lands at farm, just as car arrives]

Lieutenant Giggywig: I'm telling you that ship has got the flight potential of a cement truck.
Mr Wrenchmuller: I can fix that.
Corporal Pez: What's that?
Mr Wrenchmuller: Why that's the farmer's all purpose helper, it's guaranteed to remove stumps and gophers and drastically improve the flight potential of Martian spaceships.
Corporal Pez: Get outta here!
Mr Wrenchmuller: Now help yourselves.

[they carry out boxes to the ship]

Brian: Hey, wait up, this I gotta see.
Blaznee: This is your captain speaking, I'd like to thank you for flying air Blaznee, I hope you live long enough to do this again sometime.
Brian: Come on.
Kathy: What if we...
Brian: Leave it!
Corporal Pez: Bypass the ectothrusters.
Blaznee: Guys, wait a minute!!! [pointing at Mr Wrenchmuller outside ship] That's the guy who wants to blow us up!
Mr Wrenchmuller: [carrying boxes of dynamite] Flight one to Mars, now boarding.
Sheriff Oxley: What are you going to do with this?
Mr Wrenchmuller: Oh come on sheriff, ain't you ever put a cherry bomb under a garbage can before.
Sheriff Oxley: A what?
Blaznee: Don't you guys ever listen to me?
Doctor Ziplock: Has anyone seen my astro???.
Corporal Pez: Who took the taurus-calibrator?
Blaznee: Wait, you gotta listen to me!
Captain Bipto: Blaznee, we'll fix that later, prepare to launch.
Blaznee: This isn't going to work.
Captain Bipto: Don't worry about that, our Earth friends are going to give us a little extra boost.
Blaznee: The only thing that that guy wants to boost is his bank account. He's trying to blow up the ship.
Captain Bipto: Assume standard vertical launch position.
Captain Bipto: [into transmitter] Verndroid this is Captain Bipto, are you receiving me? Verndroid, come in please.
Verndroid: Yes Captain Bipto, how may I be of assistance?
Captain Bipto: You assignment is complete Verndroid. Your bravery and devotion have saved us all. I am so proud of you son. And so, you are no longer my robot slave. Live and be free.
Verndroid: Thank you Captain Bipto. It has been a pleasure serving you. And now, I must bid you adieu. There's much work to be done. For you see, I have plans for this world, big plans. Verndroid away.

[cut to base of ship]

Sheriff Oxley: Listen, NASA spends years calculating fuel loads and launch pressures and orbital window dynamics, and you're going to just stuff dynamite under the ship and light the fuse.
Mr Wrenchmuller: [holding up detonator] Well actually, I was going to use this!
Sheriff Oxley: You kids get behind that tractor.

[they run]

Brian: This is supposed to save us from the end of the world.

[cut to inside ship]

Blaznee: Now before we go, does anyone need to go to the bathroom.

[back to base of ship]

Sheriff Oxley: Look, is this really going to work, because if it not then we ought to figure out some way to defuse that nuclear cosmos... whatever it is.
Mr Wrenchmuller: You know how to do that?
Sheriff Oxley: Well no.
Mr Wrenchmuller: Well move out of hear, 'cause this is going to solve everyone's problems. [waits for Sheriff Oxley to leave] One way or another.

[inside ship]

Corporal Pez: Hey, I'm not going home in a bag. I made it. I made it. I'm never going to do this again.
Lieutenant Giggywig: Same here.

[Captain Bipto is tapped on shoulder by Enforcer Drone]

Captain Bipto: Argh!

[everyone bundles out of the ship, followed closely by Enforcer Drone]

Corporal Pez: Run for your lives, run for your lives.
Kathy: Leave them alone.
Sheriff Oxley: Kathy, get back.
Kathy: They just want to go home.
Enforcer Drone: Impossible, they have failed in their mission.
Kathy: But if you kill them now, the gravity hypo-fusion quedo... will blow up in...
Blaznee: In about five minutes or so.
Kathy: And then the Earth will implode and that'll throw Mars out of orbit and then it'll go crashing into the Sun.

Blaznee: That would be a blemish on the old perfection record now wouldn't it pal?
Corporal Pez: Not to mention expensive, what if they took it out of your paycheck. Whoah, what's a planet cost these days?
Lieutenant Giggywig: Four minutes, thirty seconds.
Enforcer Drone: Very well, return to your spacecraft.
Aliens: Wheeeha!
Corporal Pez: Every Pez for himself.
Doctor Ziplock: Now Blaznee, when we lift off you'll have exactly 6.38621 seconds to fire the main engines in order to reach escape velocity.
Blaznee: Never tell me the decimal points.
Kathy: [too Scout in a Can] Look, I'm going to grow up to be five seven, five eight easy. You're probably full grown. I'm animal, you're polypropolene. And besides, they really need you. But we can write, or something.
Blaznee: Geez, you're breaking my heart. Here. [tosses transmitter to Kathy] Come on shortstuff, before they start checking for green cards.
Sheriff Oxley: Hey you, the next time you guys visit, pay closer attention to our traffic laws.
Blaznee: The next time we visit? Blurgh!

Kathy: Well thanks for not killing them Mr Enforcer Drone.
Lieutenant Giggywig: Sorry to interrupt, three minutes!
Enforcer Drone: You misunderstood. Once we reach the cold, airless depths of outer space, I shall incinerate them, and toss their charred sizzling skeletons into the cosmo.
Lieutenant Giggywig & Captain Bipto: Say wha?
Enforcer Drone: A quick vacuuming, a little air freshner, and I will have completed my duties with perfection.
Kathy: What!?!
Lieutenant Giggywig & Captain Bipto: Ohhhh.
Sheriff Oxley: You can't do that!

Mr Wrenchmuller: Hey better them than us.
Lieutenant Giggywig: I beg your pardon.
Kathy: I thought you were nice. But I was wrong, you're just a selfish old man.
Mr Wrenchmuller: They caused a lot more trouble than they was worth. [to Enforcer Drone] And if it hadn'ta been for you, things might have gotten even further out of hand. Somebody mighta even gotten killed. You know, I say that makes you a hero in both our planets. And as the ambassador of the planet Earth, I would like to present you with an award as a token of our appreciation. The Tri-Nitro Toluene award. Now you kids, why don't you run and get the champagne so we can do this thing up properly.

Enforcer Drone: I accept, in the name of goodwill, and hope for the peaceful co-existence of our two worlds. It certainly isn't much to look at, is it?
Mr Wrenchmuller: Let me light it up for you, so you can get the full effect.

Enforcer Drone: My how pretty.
Mr Wrenchmuller: How'd you like to have a photo, so you can remember this.
Enforcer Drone: Yes please.
Mr Wrenchmuller: Well here, just let me back up a bit, so I can get the whole ship into it.
Enforcer Drone: Are you sure there's enough light?
Mr Wrenchmuller: Oh there's going to be plenty of light.

Enforcer Drone: I'm so proud, I don't know what to say.
Mr Wrenchmuller: You can just say your prayers. [ducks behind tractor]
Blaznee: What the!?!
Lieutenant Giggywig: Why aren't we moving?
Blaznee: Oh great, we're stuck here.
Mr Wrenchmuller: Well I guess he left. [chuckles]
Blaznee: [emerging from ship] What happened?
Kathy: Mr Wrenchmuller blew up the Enforcer Drone.
Blaznee: Hurray for our side.
Kathy: It's time to go, take care of yourself, all of you.
Mr Wrenchmuller: All right, break it up, there's billions of lives at stake. Now move.
Brian: Don't need to tell me twice.

[Mr Wrenchmuller wires up dynamite under the ship, then retreats to behind tractor with rest of humans]

Kathy: [into transmitter] Prepare for takeoff.
Mr Wrenchmuller: Start the countdown.
Kathy: Five... four... three...
Lieutenant Giggywig: Hey, wait a minute, I'm not in my seat!
Kathy: Two... One...

[boom!]

Kathy: You blew them up.
Brian: Yeah, waayyyy up!
Brian: Go go go.
Kathy: Yeah!

[inside ship, everyone is struggling against G forces]

Captain Bipto: Oh my!

[Blaznee hits rockets and Lieutenant Giggywig flies back into the toilet]

[everyone is screaming, engines stop working]

Blaznee: That's it, I quit.
Doctor Ziplock: Do something, you're the pilot!
Blaznee: How about if I eject?
Lieutenant Giggywig: Lighten the load!
Blaznee: Hurry it up Pez.
Corporal Pez: I'm lightening, I'm lightening.
Doctor Ziplock: We're still too heavy. something else must go.
Blaznee: We already dumped everything we can dump.
Lieutenant Giggywig: [in toilet] Except... [reaches for handle]
Blaznee: Hit it Giggy.

[ship dumps waste, and makes orbit, waste descends on Mr Wrenchmuller's farm]

Brian: Yeah!
Kathy: Yay!
Sheriff Oxley: [to Mr Wrenchmuller] You know, the last time I put a cherry bomb under a garbage can, the garbage can didn't make it. I guess somebody up there likes you.
Mr Wrenchmuller: They just got lucky. [walks back to the house] If you see my dog, tell him we're moving tomorrow.

[cut to tomorrow morning, Mr Wrenchmuller's farm, sign outside saying "Klem Co Reality", Mr Wrenchmuller on the porch, Sheriff Oxley and Klembecker's cars outside]

Sheriff Oxley: Morning Mr Wrenchmuller.
Mr Wrenchmuller: That judge send you to come and throw me off my land?

[Klembecker gives Sheriff Oxley paper]

Sheriff Oxley: No but I'm afraid this is legal. It's wrong, but it's legal. I was just bringing somebody over, I thought you'd want to see.
Mr Wrenchmuller: [to Mr Klembecker] Him? What would I want to see him for?
Sheriff Oxley: No, not him, him. [Kathy lets Jim out of car]
Mr Wrenchmuller: Oh Jim, Jim, Jim boy.
Mr Klembecker: Well that's all very touching but, you can see, I've got things to do. So unless you've got the cash or a crop to sign over, I suggest you hand over the keys.

[Jim goes for Mr Klembecker]

Mr Wrenchmuller: Hold it Jim, he ain't worth your breath. [to Mr Klembecker] Now you want these keys, do ya? [laughs] Go get them. [tosses them over house]
Sheriff Oxley: I'm terribly sorry that is has to be this way.
Mr Wrenchmuller: You wanna hear something funny?
Sheriff Oxley: Sure.
Mr Wrenchmuller: Well you're going to hear it, right about... now.
Mr Klembecker: [screams] Arrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!

[everyone runs around house, join Mr Klembecker looking at full field of corn, Mr Klembecker storms away]

Mr Klembecker: Doh! I'll be back!

[cut to alien ship]

Captain Bipto: You know, we're only a few hours behind schedule so, if we hurry, we might make it to Arcturus in time to torture prisoners.
Aliens: Ah shut up!

[roll credits]

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Quinn "The Eskimo!"
16 Feb 1998